Just for the record... am having a weird day. Its just one of those days when u feel like there's a churning in your stomach all day, and a restlessness inside makes you all nervy and reactive.
Well, atleast I'd like to blame it on the day rather than on myself ...
I've observed our relationship go from being reactive to quite passive in the last 2 years. Earlier we would scream the house down and not get across to each other, but now its the more controlled anger which we tend to adopt, and still don't get across to each other. (I'm saying 'we' but what i really mean is 'he') So... its no longer words which do the job, its bold statements... written all over the face, which do the job... however the mouth stays shut. It's no easy feat, i'm sure... and i would know, considering its a herculean task for me to control the tongue. But atleast i'm honest about it.
So this morning, he DOES NOT react when I tell him that the li'l one fell off the bed last night, when the pillow mountain i'd made to protect her disappeared onto the floor. (thankfully, li'l one was saved by the gracious pillow, which decided to fall right beneath her).
Nor does he react when I tell him that li'l one's eye is red because I ACCIDENTALLY threw the ball into it ( well, we were playing catch, and she didnt catch it! So who's to blame for that then, mister?)
However... and its a big however... his face says it all... " Trust u!! U're so careless with her. U really ought to be more careful when it comes to the li'l one. look at me , I'm a hyper protective dad. Learn something."
Yes... he said all that, in a flash of a second. He thought i'd miss it... but no sir, I caught it. and all my chanting, control, promises to myself, went for a toss.
In an instant the devil came out... a li'l controlled in comparison to the past, but the devil all the same.
" why r u so condescending?! It was an accident! This is what i dont like about u. " i said, but my pitch was a degree higher than required
" I didnt say anything" he said... with this practiced blank expression he puts on every time we're going down this road
" you didnt have to, its written in BIG BOLD Letters all over your face!" I said
And then I got the silent treatment ...AGAIN
I charged out of the room, while he continued to iron his already ironed shirt ( Yes, its OCD)
I've been trying so hard to open my heart to him. I've been so controlled, non reactive. I've tried so hard to keep my prejudices aside, to ignore the cliches.
I decided not to hear the "Bye" when he left for work. I chose not to call him through the day. Even though we don't usually talk very often while working, but today seemed more deliberate. I'm still undecided how I want to behave when he comes home. Should I prolong the fight? should I pretend it never happened? would that be equivalent to suppressing the issue? Don't we do that all the time?
Who's to decide the right way? And why should I always try to be the better person?
Well, atleast I'd like to blame it on the day rather than on myself ...
I've observed our relationship go from being reactive to quite passive in the last 2 years. Earlier we would scream the house down and not get across to each other, but now its the more controlled anger which we tend to adopt, and still don't get across to each other. (I'm saying 'we' but what i really mean is 'he') So... its no longer words which do the job, its bold statements... written all over the face, which do the job... however the mouth stays shut. It's no easy feat, i'm sure... and i would know, considering its a herculean task for me to control the tongue. But atleast i'm honest about it.
So this morning, he DOES NOT react when I tell him that the li'l one fell off the bed last night, when the pillow mountain i'd made to protect her disappeared onto the floor. (thankfully, li'l one was saved by the gracious pillow, which decided to fall right beneath her).
Nor does he react when I tell him that li'l one's eye is red because I ACCIDENTALLY threw the ball into it ( well, we were playing catch, and she didnt catch it! So who's to blame for that then, mister?)
However... and its a big however... his face says it all... " Trust u!! U're so careless with her. U really ought to be more careful when it comes to the li'l one. look at me , I'm a hyper protective dad. Learn something."
Yes... he said all that, in a flash of a second. He thought i'd miss it... but no sir, I caught it. and all my chanting, control, promises to myself, went for a toss.
In an instant the devil came out... a li'l controlled in comparison to the past, but the devil all the same.
" why r u so condescending?! It was an accident! This is what i dont like about u. " i said, but my pitch was a degree higher than required
" I didnt say anything" he said... with this practiced blank expression he puts on every time we're going down this road
" you didnt have to, its written in BIG BOLD Letters all over your face!" I said
And then I got the silent treatment ...AGAIN
I charged out of the room, while he continued to iron his already ironed shirt ( Yes, its OCD)
I've been trying so hard to open my heart to him. I've been so controlled, non reactive. I've tried so hard to keep my prejudices aside, to ignore the cliches.
I decided not to hear the "Bye" when he left for work. I chose not to call him through the day. Even though we don't usually talk very often while working, but today seemed more deliberate. I'm still undecided how I want to behave when he comes home. Should I prolong the fight? should I pretend it never happened? would that be equivalent to suppressing the issue? Don't we do that all the time?
Who's to decide the right way? And why should I always try to be the better person?
